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10 "don'ts" for guests at a Nigerian wedding

A wedding is a very special day for two people who have come together to make, hopefully, life-long vows to each other, usually, in the presence of their families and friends. It is a solemn day as well as a time to celebrate. The last thing any witness to this special day would want to do is ruin it for the couple or make it memorable for the wrong reasons.

So here are a list of rules to add to your wedding etiquette handbook for when you want to forget your place and mae your self the centre of attention on someone else’s day.

1. Do not wear white Except you are a Kardashian and you are related to the bride and it is the colour of the bridal train, then you don’t want to be seen in this most revered of colours on someone else’s wedding day. This is especially for the ladies. No white gowns or iro and buba in some lacy fabric even if the bride herself is dressed in black. In Nigeria some guys wear white natives to weddings. Well, so long as your cap matches the asoebi and you are not dressed in white from head to toe, you may pass.


2. Do not upstage the bride (or the groom) Meaning, you should not be more flamboyant brighter than a peacock at its own mating dance. If so, na fight. Respect yasef! No sexy outfit that will draw all attention to you for the wrong reason. No super-hero costumes, no Zorro outfit, no regal native chief outfit that will have people ignoring the couple and focused on paying obsequies to you instead. It is not ya day! Leave all that at home and for once just be a guest, or a nice humble human being here to celebrate someone else.


3. Do not dress inappropriately You may not believe in one church or the other, or one mosque or the other but your friend who invited you to their wedding at their church or mosque does. So for the love of that friend, respect their faith and dress appropriately. No off shoulder or sleeveless gowns/blouses to the church or mosque. If you must wear a coat or shawl over your shoulders then let loose at the reception. Be respectful. You are there for a wedding not to make your atheist or agnostic statement.

4. Do not monopolise the drinks on the table You know how you go to a wedding and there are bottles of wine and packs of fruit juices on the table, usually enough for everyone on that table to share? Yes, to share. Everyone. Not just you. So please, do not strategically place a bottle in front of you or worst of all, grab it and stuff it into your bag before the reception even starts. Tsk. Tsk. If you take only a small wine glass or a shot of the wine or fruit juice you’ll still survive so don’t go embarrassing yourself.

5. Do not get drunk Oh please, seriously , don’t. Yeah drunk people can sometimes be a funny sight at wedding but most times their antics can be all together cringe-worthy. Drunk ex making the nice that turns to weepy regretful reminiscing toast. Drunk BFF that lets the whole world know you shagged the stripper at your bachelor’s eve the other night. Drunk uncle who remembers how he once caught peeping on the housegirl in the bathroom. Not to forget drunk randonm guest who turns the dance floor to some club/strip joint. That said…

6. Do not over do it on the dance floor Leave all your Michael Jackson skills for talent hunt stage before you hurt somebody. Only display once you are sure the bride and groom have retired or the reception has officially turned to a full on party. Still, leave the sexy porny moves for the club.

7. Do not make change with the money being sprayed on the dance floor Oh my! Who does this epp? You bring five hundred naira; because you want to spend enough time dancing with the couple or for some other random reason, you interrupt the long-suffering bridesmaid picking the sprayed money on the floor to make change of hundred-hundred naira. Why? How has this solved your problem? Why throw dirty stepped-on money back at the couple? Either you make change from your house or just drop your five hundred naira, dance small and quietly go back to your seat. Thatsall!

8. Do not be greedy with the random souvenirs You want to collect for your mom, you want to collect for your aunty, you want to collect for your grandmother; yet, you are the only one that came to the wedding from your family. Let the gifts reach the other true-born guests too abeg! READ ALSO: 10 memorable photos you must snap at your wedding

9. Don’t ask for the special souvenir if you did not buy asoebi Respect yourself. You were busy wagging your tongue at all who could hear about how the asoebi was too expensive. When you heard asoebi people were collecting iPad as souvenir, you shamelessly tagged along with a friend that sacrificed to buy the expensive cloth, hoping that they would just overlook your mismatched cloth and dash you iPad. Choi!

10. Do not desire to eat everything on the buffet menu You want to eat akpu, you want to eat semo; ofe akwu, onugbu, jollof rice, fried rice, chinese rice, peppered chicken, small chops, asun. snail! Only one you! In your only one stomach! When you are not a goat! Haba! Even if you don’t pity yourself, pity the toilet in ya compound and all the neighbours that will be forced to retreat in fear of the bomb you shall throw there!

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