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18/12/2014

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Stars And Weddings And Almost Everything Nice

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, stars rose, hearts sunk, andKim Richards‘ daughter got married in a gorgeous wedding, which was sweet and lovely and made me wanna be nice to Kim. I imagine that will be short-lived.

In what is surely the very definition of hell, Yolanda Foster is trapped on a rent-a-yacht in the middle of the ocean with Kyle Richards after receiving the news that her daughter Bella (soon to be known as The Disowned One) got a DUI. Yolanda sniffles through telling us that poor Bella had only ONE glass of wine and got pulled over. The injustice! Yolanda isn’t sure how to handle her children growing up and making decisions without her input. It hits her on an additional level because her father died in a car accident and she can’t believe Bella would be so careless.

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Yolanda struggles to remain composed because she doesn’t want to ruin Kyle’svacation with a meltdown, as if Kyle would ever extend that same courtesy! Kyle was probably wondering if she should just go ahead and have the meltdown herself because you know, camera time! And the yacht could be detained in Spain on a psychiatric hold which could get mighty exciting and – OMG the tabloids would be writing about her for at least a week!

Yolanda is so boring and mature – it’s times like this I miss ol’ Loony LipsTaylor Armstrong. She would be hysterically flinging herself over the rails of the yacht, fake drowning, screeching and trying to cut the lifejacket off with a bobby pin all because Kyle gave her champagne instead of prosecco and the boat had green towels, which are so ugly and cheap and below her level of spectacular taste. I digress…

Apparently Yolanda is unable to get a plane home until the next day, which leaves me confused: David Foster does not have a personal universal cloud system to transport Her High and Mightiness wherever she needs to levitate, through the stratosphere as she is ensconced in pure crystal white light? I assumed her fridge doubled as a private rocket – my mistake.

eileen davidson on the set of Young and the Restless
picture: SheinDressAU

David disappoints me. What good is being an almost-EGOT when you can’t even control the metaphysical forces of unique personal transportation? Oh yes, David is in possession of an Oscar, an Emmy, 45,000 Grammys, but no Tony yet. Silly me, I thought the “T” stood for Turgid Egomaniac, in which case mission accomplished, but it just stands for Tony, one of which David does not own. Lucky for him neither does anyone else, but But somebody else does have an Emmy: Eileen Davidson! E for Emmy and Eileen. F for Failure and Foster.

Eileen has been on hiatus from starring in the last of the remaining soap operas, but she’s decided to return to work to save her marriage by making out in the shower with random actor dudes and by bringing home the bacon. She’s rehearsing a script, which I’m pretty sure is an Apollo Nida biopic, because it features a character who stole a dead person’s identity after getting out of prison. Lifetime Movie, alert!

Eileen loves being a soap star – she’s brought her son to work with her since he was 2 months old – he literally grew up on the CBS set playing with the Price Is Right wheel. Miraculously he did not become a child star, and miraculously Eileen did not turned into a psycho bitch or a homicidal maniac because she was able to sow those wild oats through her characters. Some girls have all the luck!

Speaking of luck, Lisa Vanderpump is headed to Palm Springs where she’s receiving a star on the Walk Of Fame. Before leaving, Magdalena, the housekeeper Lisa kidnapped on the side of the road (no this is not one ofEileen’s Days story lines, sadly!), shows up with Giggy wrapped in a towel. Giggy’s been looking depressed lately – I think Lisa is smothering him with his weight in sequins. Now he must form a mutiny and turn all the other dogs against her. Giggy swears Lisa put a tabloid with a story about Pinkie’s leash being rhinestone instead of diamond in the dog bed last week.

Lisa is perturbed that Magdalena washed Giggy instead of his suit, per her instructions, then she worries that Magdalena may also be washing Ken instead of his suit, not that Lisa would care about that except for the fact that it would probably make her late! Lisa makes a note to order Rosetta Stone: British English for Magdalena.

Roscia, who is practically family – albeit the only member of the family who is responsible for cleaning up – would never make such mistake. Roscia knows how to cut Giggy’s beef tarte-tarte just so and has been elevated to sitting with the family during dinner while they discuss Brazilian bikini waxes with the token gays and Lipsa Rinna, who believes public hair is an important form of protection. From husbands, LVP enquires? No, from disease. So basically – from husbands, or at least Brandi Glanville‘s husband. (According to Brandi’s book, that is!)

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